there are not many men in this world that i truly care for. however, in the last month i've lost two of the four that mean the most.

1. my daddy.

2. my pappy.

3. my jakey.

4. YOU.

you know that feeling when youre in the ocean, and a giant wave comes and knocks you down. the giant waves are almost always followed by more waves. the waves keep coming and coming, forcing you farther and farther down..you start to panic and see everyone around you enjoying themselves and no one moving to help. that's how i feel.

the past two months i've taken blow after blow. i can feel myself harden, and change..back to the person i was so long ago. yet this time, no one seems to notice. not my parents, "friends", or even my family. schools started back up this past week and i've been questioning everything.. am i really going to school to do something i want to do, or am i only going because this is what my family wants? do i really have what it takes to become a successful teacher?

i know i'm falling back into my old ways, because before, i never wouldve questioned myself. i was certain that teaching what what i wanted to do with my life. but now, i feel myself second guessing every decision. i sat in class and just compared myself to all my fellow classmates and they seemed so passionate, so sure. i don't feel that anymore..i'm lacking all motivation but not just when it comes to school, but everything really. i've been taking sleeping pills so i sleep most of the time so i don't have to think about anything. my thoughts get worse and worse as time passes.

i cannot, for the life of me figure out why i cannot pick myself up out of this hole that i am in. i am strong. stronger than i could ever give myself credit for. i just dont feel strong anymore. aside from jake, everything that has happened, i've experienced more than once (way more) so nothing should come as a surprise when people do the things they do to me..i've got it in my head that everyone has good inside them, and i need to realize that they don't. i need to stop trusting people. even now, if some of my former friends from high school were to ask me how i am, i couldnt tell them..i wouldnt. i've been burned by all of them too many times to even want to try and explain. not saying that i havent done shady things to them because trust me, i have..but theres such a difference in the way that i hurt them, and the way they hurt me. again, this is probably me thinking way too far back and holding things that people cannot control against them..what i learned about my former friends after i graduated was that now when they ask how i am, or anything about me it's not because they're concerned.. it's to have something to talk about. im sure that comment makes me seem like i think the world revolves around me, but i dont..it's the honest truth. if something happens in my life, and i tell one of my friends, i can almost count on hearing about it when it was never supposed to be told. any detail of my life that i've let out since graduation has come back to bite me in the ass because no one knows how to keep to themselves when someone confides in you. if i've learned anything since leaving tht hell hole of a school its how SACRED people secrets and stories are, so sacred they are not mine to share.

i'm not asking for help, not the fake kind anyways. you know the kind where you post something online and everyone asks "what's wrong?" ..not because they care, but because they're nosey. i want someone to PROVE to me that not everyone in this world has lost it. when i was in high school, i made WAY more mistakes than i could ever dream of making, and got way more second chances than i ever deserved. but god, have i changed..my mouth still gets the best of me from time to time when it comes to certain issues, but im not a viscious person like i was before. i want people to see that..

i deleted my facebook account in hopes to make things better. so, we'll see.

miss you jakey, </333333

i'm getting stronger. yet, i'm not sure how. so many completely devastating things have happened in the past three weeks it's hard to comprehend. two weeks ago today we had to put down my baby brother, and best friend jake. hands down, it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my entire life. i never knew it could physically hurt to miss someone like i miss jake..

before i left for school that morning to take my final, i sat on the floor with him and begged him to please get better..that he couldnt leave me now. but i could tell how much he was hurting and it killed me to see him like that.

i swear to god i'll never forget that day. and the complete emptiness that i felt. i stayed with jake through everything..mom held him as they injected the medicene to put him to sleep and i held his head and watched the light leave his eyes.  i slept with my mom and dad for three days after that. i was home alone for the next three days and i really dont know how i even made it through those days.. i layed in bed and cried until i was having panic attack after panic attack. i felt like i had killed my best friend. even though i know he was hurting and hes in a better place, it doesnt take away the fact that he isnt here anymore with me..where he should be. i'd give anything to just have a little more time with him. sounds so stupid being so upset over a dog..but being the only child, jake was the closest thing to a sibling that i had. he had been with us for 14 years.

theres still so many things that remind me of him. the kitchen looks huge without his dog bowl. i cant tell him to lick the crumbs off the ground when i make a mess. i miss him barking. i miss hit little paws pitter pattering across the kitchen floor that woke me up every morning..i swear i still hear him and see him. i just want my baby brother back. :/

.....i ended up going back to the doctor. that huge rash on my back turned out to be a bite from a black widow spider &i was pretty sick for a while. they also put me back on my anti depressants but i've stopped taking them already because they make me so mean. mammaw also had a pretty major surgery. shes doing better, shes still not good..but shes better.

i've spending a lot of time with christina. we've basically been attached at the hip. i wouldnt have made it through this past month without her. right now she's the only person aside from my parents i can count on. she's been having a rough time too so it's been nice knowing that i've got someone that understands everything going on right now..

i started fall quarter of my sophomore yr. i've got class in 6hours and im still awake. i hope i make it through this quarter..im in need of a break so bad its ridiculous. i havent had an actual break from school since last christmas. i had a week here and there for spring break and then a few days inbetween summer sessions..im just ready for the 6weeks to get myself back together.

i miss you jakey <333333

today has been better than yesterday, but it still hasnt been a good day. i'm going to the doctor tomorrow. i have a rash on my arm thats spreading to my back. mom thinks it's from stress. this will be a good time for me to talk to the doctor about everyhing thats going on right now to see if i can maybe get help.

i didnt give into the feelings last night. ronnie called. just in time. fortunately, i have him that i can depend on. it's weird being able to depend on an ex you once felt so strongly for to help get over someone else..it makes me miss him. not enough to ever be with him again, just enough for it to almost hurt. he's been with his girlfriend now for over a year, and he's happy..thats all i ever wanted for him.

i didnt go to class today. i just needed a day to be alone and pull myself back together from last night. i dont wanna have another night like that again. but i'm sure that it will happen agian, sooner or later.

i just need to write. get down everything i feel, before my fucking head explodes off of my damn shoulders.

nights always seem to be the worst. i'm starting to think i'm back to square one, back to my freshman year- that time when everything was a disaster. it's been almost four years since i've done the unthinkable. unfortunately, it's been crawling back into my thoughts. its everywhere. i want to think that i'm stronger now than i was before, that i will actually be able to pull myself out of this blackness, but i'm just not sure anymore. i keep thinking how good it felt to feel the burn, the sting..the cut. the rush. in the ugliness of the addiction, i find beauty. a strange beauty, but one that fascinates me. it's not like things are that uncontrolable in my life that the unthinkable is my only option. i'm just yearning for the control. for the first time in quite a while, i dont have control over anything going on around me. i need it.

i want too so bad right now it's sickening. thats why im doing this. i need anything to keep me from going back there. i know once i go back, i'm stuck again. how is it possible for some people to be so..heartless? knowing someone they "care about" is going through so much and then they do something so horrible. this town is so full of shallow, inconsiderate people. i want out but there isnt anywhere to go.

whats worse, is having no one. i dont want a friend that is only going to be there when i need them, but someone thats going to be there anywhere, anytime, any place. i wish i was here by myself so i could just sceam out the frustration, the hurt, the anger, the pain. maybe im going crazy again? something is going on again inside of me. something isnt right. i wanna tell my mom and dad that i need to go back to the doctor, but they'll say that im old enough and mature enough to deal with this alone..that im just being dramatic. even if that is the case, i need help. i can feel it.

this is exactly how it started before. one blow after another. i try so hard not to hand my heart out to whoever gives me attention. i dont mean too, i really dont. i dont know why i can't control it. maybe it all goes back to ryan..maybe im still searching for the love i never got from him.

my hair has started falling out again. i've also been having panic attacks at night. bad ones. bad enough that they wake me up at night..sometimes i feel like im just being a little bitch about everything and i just need to grow up and handle my own problems..i'm not sure i can. i may be passed the point of helping myself..

 license- WHATS UP?

 :) yeh, bitch